Patience

THE CONTRIBUTORS

As a species, we humans are fairly interested in the relationship of cause and effect. What makes something happen; especially something we consider "bad,” unpleasant, or dangerous is worthy of our energy and exploration.

One of my favorite tools for teaching clients about emotions, back in my psychotherapy days, was the Anger Iceberg. Anger is only part of what emotions are actually at play in a person when a person feels angry. The tip of an iceberg, visible above the water, is only a small part of what makes up the mass of ice itself.  

Anger is not just an experience of being ticked off. This is especially true in people who seem to be angry for years or have unfavorable behaviors that result in us saying something to the effect of, “They’re such an angry person.”

So what else is there? In my observation of family, friends, and clients, and myself I have found two specific emotions (human experiences) out of many that seem paramount in contributing to anger.

Those are hurt and fear.

Hurt. Everyone has felt hurt. A well-cared for infant may feel hurt when a parent leaves for an appointment or for a day of work. Some emotional hurt is part of being alive. The kind of hurt we emotionally and cognitively get “stuck” on is the hurt that comes from a level of “damage” to us as a person. We hated the way that hurt felt, especially if it was traumatic, and we work hard, often unconsciously, to avoid that kind of experience again. This tactic is necessary and important. The methods of accomplishing such tactics is where things can be problematic.

                We hated the way that hurt felt, especially if it was traumatic,

            and we work hard, often unconsciously, to avoid that kind of experience again.

I’ve taught in individual and group therapy sessions that there is nothing wrong with being angry, hurt, or afraid. No one has ever been arrested and charged with “anger.” The behaviors that resulted from their anger (assault, disorderly conduct, vandalism, mischief) are what get someone in trouble.

Legal issues are the more extreme consequences of negative emotional expression or behaviors of self-protection. For many of us we just want improvement in our day-to-day experiences and in our relationships. Many of us want to increase our overall well-being and be more effective communicators.

In relationships we avoid hurt, but in doing so, we may miss opportunities for growth and furthering connection with loved ones. Communicating needs and concerns with others and working to respond to our fears in a healthy way is how we combat fear having control in our lives. This is not a guarantee that the other person or people in our relationships will act just how we want them to but it can certainly increase the quality of our experiences.

                Communicating needs and concerns with others and working to respond

            to our fears in a healthy way is how we combat fear having control in our lives.

Fear. Of the two major emotions that contribute to anger, fear may come into play even more than hurt. No one enjoys being scared or feeling fear-even horror movie lovers. The kind of fear that fuels anger is much different than the partially fun, adrenal-drain of a haunted house or a scary film. Fear of a painful, devastating, hurtful, depleting, or a negative outcome to a situation often results in anger.

When a parent gets angry with a child it is usually due to a fear they are feeling regarding that child. The parent may fear about the child becoming injured in some way. They may be worried about damage to an item and the cost to repair it. They may be (this is often the case and we hate to admit it) fearful that the child’s behavior will lead to them not turning out to be a good person and so they yell at the child while experiencing fear-induced anger.  

It is much easier to react to situations with anger than to address the underlying fear. Most of that is because when we experience anger it is usually intense and emotion-filled. We are not aware that we are feeling hurt or fear or any other contributing emotion. We are just angry.

When we emotionally neglect or verbally mistreat a loved one it is due to fear-based anger that we use to act in a negative and angry way.

Knowing the effect (and consequences) of hurt and fear can motivate us to more effective and loving behaviors. 

Remember how no one has ever gone to jail because they were mad? No couple has ever broken up over being ticked off. These things often happen because of the resulting behaviors of anger.

When a spouse is disrespectful or unkind to their partner it is usually due to fear of past negative experiences or future ones that are likely to occur in the relationship. 

When we choose not to build up our relationships with the people we are close to because of fear leading to acts of self-preservation or because of hurt, we all miss out. Continued lack of efforts toward enriching relationships or avoiding closeness can lead to the loss of the person in our lives or significant dissatisfaction in our interactions-thus perpetuating more hurt and fear.

Practicing the mindfulness required and regular self-assessment to be aware of our behaviors and the areas in which we need improvement are necessary actions to manage the hurt and fear that lead to anger. Creating safety with one another by allowing for open communication and room for flaws in each other provides a foundation for working together to improve interconnections, experiences of growth, and the quality of relationships.